The Fine Art of Manipulation
by Huntsong
Summary: A young Bartimeus Crouch strives to survive in the world of those who support Voldemort, where betrayal and manipulation are common, but survival is rare... my first fanfic!
1. Dark Memories

**Chapter 1**

**Dark Memories**

I ran stealthily from shadow to shadow, slowly making my way along the streets of London. I glanced behind myself, then nervously pulled up the hood of my cloak, tucking my wispy, straw-colored hair behind my ears. Glancing down, I smiled, seeing that my body was entirely shrouded in my night black robes.

"Good," I whispered to myself. Not even my own father would recognize me. I looked around quickly, then continued my journey, making sure I stayed in the same spot for only a few seconds at a time. It was not good to stand where anybody could be watching or listening. After about five minutes of this, I came to a small, rundown pub.

"Alohamora," I whispered, tapping the lock with my wand, then locking the door again, once I was inside. I wove through the maze of bar stools and tables in the empty, darkened pub, taking care not to let even my cloak brush against anything. Once outside, I tapped a single brick of the wall before me and the wall began to slide sideways. As soon as it had moved a good distance, I slipped through. I walked briskly down the streets of Diagon alley, which, though crowded during the day, were silent and empty in the inky blackness of the night. I moved past rows of unlit shops, occasionally pausing and taking a right or left. Eventually, I reached my destination: Knockturn Alley.

Here all was not silent; dark shapes moved about and I tried not to look at them. It was better not to know what was stirring in Knockturn Alley. I sprinted a few blocks and stopped when I was in front of small, old looking store. Though short of breath and clutching a stitch in my side, I was finally here and my nerve-wracking journey was over, for tonight at least. I walked up to the ancient, wooden door hanging under a sign reading 'Borgin and Burkes' and knocked twice, waited a few seconds and knocked three more times. A shutter was slid slowly aside and a pair of deep brown eyes regarded me.

"You're late," a rich, throaty voice hissed. "The meeting starts in a few minutes!"

"Sorry Bella..." I started to respond.

"SHUT UP!" Bella hissed at me. "What have I told you about saying names aloud, _Bartimeus_ _Crouch_?" I froze for a few seconds, panicking at the sound of my name. I looked around furtively to make sure no one was listening in to our conversation. When I was sure only I had heard Bella's barbed words, I turned back to the closed door.

"Sorry," I muttered mutinously, breathing quickly. "Sorry, I forgot."

"You forget too much, too often," Bella said, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. There was an uncomfortable pause in which I glared at her and she at me. In the end, though, I looked away. Bella laughed coldly; I was always the one who looked away.

"Just let me in!" I said in a loud whisper. Bella gave me a contemptuous glance.

"Password," she said maliciously.

"Just open the door!" I said loudly, I glanced around, then lowered my voice. "It's freezing out here," I whispered pleadingly, rubbing my arms.

"Password," Bella said again. Her voice was calm, but her eyes smiled, relishing the pain she was causing me.

"All right, all right," I growled, defeated. I looked around once again, to make sure no one would hear what I said next, then murmured,

"The Dark Lord shall rise again."

"So sorry," Bella said apologetically. "Didn't hear you, speak up now." I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath. She knew how nervous it made me, to say things of this nature where anybody could be listening. Merlin, how I hated her. She was a parasite, creeping up on you when your guard was down, and sucking out all your deepest feelings, all your deepest fears. Well, I wouldn't let her win, not this time. Throwing caution to the winds, I filled my lungs and yelled,

"THE DARK LORD SHALL RISE AGAIN!" my words echoed into the night, and Bella's eyes flitted from side to side.

"Loud enough?" I asked, grinning vindictively.

"Get in," she spat through gritted teeth, opening the door a crack. I slipped across the threshold and into the store, taking care to bump into Bella on my way in. We had not always been like this, Bellatrix and I.. There had been a time when we were close–well, as close as Bella could be to anyone. I remembered back to the first time I'd seen her...

_I took a slow sip of my coffee, relishing the much-needed caffeine. Why did Father always hold meetings in the morning? He may have been able to go days without sleep, but the rest of his staff and I were only human. I chuckled bitterly. That was it of course, the reason I was such a disappointment_. _The son of Bartimeus Crouch wasn't supposed to be only human. He was supposed to be inexhaustible, indestructible, the perfect image of his perfect father. But I wasn't that prodigal son, and as much as Father wanted me to be him, and as much as I strived to become father's dream son, I couldn't. _

_I sighed, pushing away the harsh reality of my thoughts and instead began to think of the upcoming meeting. I pulled my note cards out from my robes and began reading through my presentation one last time. Dolohov, I read, was last seen in Essex and is being tracked by our best aurors. He is six foot seven, with long blond hair and dark brown eyes... my mind strayed and I found myself imagining the death eater I had been describing. I could almost see him. His wand raised, mouth twisted in a cruel smile, dark eyes twinkling... wait, I wasn't imaging it! The dark eyes I had seen on Dolohov's face were staring out at me from a woman two tables down._

_I shook my head to dissipate my fantasies then turned to look at the woman before me. I stared at her without really seeing her for a moment, then suddenly the full impact of what my eyes were telling my brain hit me. I felt the breath leave my lungs as I stared at her beautiful form. She had curly, shoulder length hair that was so black, it looked almost blue where the light struck it. Her dark, olive skin only accented her night-black, heavily lidded eyes as she stared at me. It was not her beauty that truly captivated me, but the feeling emanating from her. It was a feeling of total confidence, total assurance. I could tell that no matter what this woman did, she would feel no moral qualms about it, because it was she who had done it. She could commit murder and feel totally comfortable, because it was she who had taken someone's life, and she was never wrong. _

_Her black eyes stared into my own and any thought or idea I had instantly dissolved under her hypnotic gaze. I sat, paralyzed, unable to move my eyes and break the spell she had woven over me. Even when she stood up and approached my table, I still couldn't move. She dragged a chair over from a nearby table and sat down across from me. And still we stared. The thought of speaking didn't even occur to me until she closed her eyes for a few seconds, breathing in deeply. I took a ragged breath and felt the life return to my body. _

"_H..hello," I stuttered nervously, shattering the silence. Her only reaction to my mumbled greeting was to open her eyes. She regarded me imperiously for a second, then began to speak._

"_Do you fear?" she asked in a deep, rich voice._

"_Well... Yes, of course I do," I said hesitantly. "Doesn't everyone?" I asked the question lightly, almost rhetorically, but it was not to go unanswered._

"_I do not fear," the woman said. "I fear neither death nor life." She said these words emotionlessly, almost factually. She paused for a second, then continued to speak._

"_You fear both," she said. "You fear everything and everyone, even me." I opened my mouth to deny this, but then closed it again. She was right; even now I could feel a voice in the back of my mind telling me to run from this beautiful creature._

"_I can teach you how to fear nothing and love no one," she whispered. "I can show how to triumph over life and embrace death. I can teach you all this. The only question is, will you learn?" _

_Her question hung in the air before us, daring me to answer. My brain seemed to be hazy and I could hardly understand my own thoughts. I'm going to be late to the meeting, I thought vaguely. But the meeting didn't matter anymore, father didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered but this woman and her impossible promises. No, not impossible; nothing was impossible anymore. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I summoned all the effort left in my fog-filled brain and said the only thing I could think of:_

"_Who are you?" She laughed, a high, cold laugh that didn't fit her, and sent shivers up my spine. She looked into my eyes for a minute, as if sizing me up, then leaned over so close I could count her eyelashes. Before I could even wonder what she was doing, she had tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear and bent back again. _

"_You can call me Bella." _


	2. Tests of Loyalty

hey, reading-peoples!iwould've introduced my story last week, but i wasn't sure how to, so i guess i'll do it now! this story is basically how i think Barty Crouchbecamea DeathEater and ended up in Azkaban. um, guess that's all so, enjoy!

**Chapter 2**

**Tests of Loyalty**

"No," I said firmly to myself. "Don't think about her." I'd been saying these same words to myself for a week, but still, my mind often drifted off to dwell on those dark eyes... I clenched my hand, digging my fingernails into my palm. _Focus on the pain_, I thought to myself. _Think about something else, anything else... The meeting!_ Yes, the meeting. This could be the most important night of my life, and I had to stay on track.

Pushing all thoughts of her from my mind, I glanced around the small, darkened room I was in and sat down in the nearest vacant seat. All around me the room was slowly filling with people, wearing dark cloaks like mine, so you could only make out the vague shapes of their body. The room filled with whispers as more and more cloaked figures entered. Eventually, every seat was filled and the whispering slowly died down until a deathly silence claimed the room. In front of the rows of chairs were five wooden armchairs, placed in a semicircle. From out of the shadows, five cloaked figures emerged and sat in the chairs. The seat in the middle held a tall, imposing looking man, who everybody immediately turned their heads toward.

"This meeting of The Faithful," he proclaimed, "Is now in order." Still silence prevailed, though the excitement in the room seemed to heighten a level.

"We are The Faithful," he cried, to the crowd's excitement. "We are those who remain faithful to the Dark Lord and will find him, even if it costs us our lives! For we do not fear for our lives! We do not fear, we do not love! We live to serve the Dark Lord as we once did! We are his most faithful servants! We alone are the Death-Eaters who have never, and will never, desert him!" He continued to speak in a voice that was softer, but no less commanding .

"In this meeting we will decide whether to initiate a new member. Bartimeus Crouch, stand," he ordered. Trembling from head to toe, I obeyed him. Every thought I had, even those of Bella were pushed from my mind in the face of the moment I had been waiting a lifetime for. _This is it, _was the only thought I could conjure. _This is finally it..._

"This man," the cloaked figure continued. "Has learned our ways and practiced them. We have come to the decision that he is ready to become a full member of The Faithful. All that remains is his test, his test of loyalty." I held my breath; the test of the faithful was always the same. _Please don't let it be someone I know, _I begged.

"We have come to a decision," the man stated. "To prove his loyalty, Bartimeus Crouch Jr. must kill for his cause." _Let it be a stranger, _I repeated silently. _No one I know, just a complete stranger..._

"To pass the test, Bartimeus Crouch Junior, must kill," he said, his voice rising. "Bartimeus Crouch Senior!"

Time seemed to freeze. All around me their were sudden mutters, but I stood stock still,staring at the man who had just told me to kill my father.

"No," I said softly. "No, I won't." I heard gasps from the seats around me and I spoke louder.

"I won't do it," I shouted angrily. The choking silence spread all around me and the man in the center chair swung around to face me.

"You refuse," he said, his voice a white-hot whisper. "You refuse to do the council's bidding?"

"Ye...no...I mean...," I stammered, realizing what I had just done. _Think, Barty! _I yelled at myself furiously. _Do you realize what you just did? You refused to follow the council's decision! No one refuses the council's decision! Or maybe... maybe they're just not left alive to tell the tale. Think Barty! It's your father or you! Is the man who's made most of your life a misery really worth throwing your own life away for? No... this is the way it has to be... the only way it can be..._

"No," I said clearly. "No, I will do whatever the council asks of me." the five figures in front of me whispered to each other for a moment, then sat back in their chairs.

"We will forgive your outburst," the same man said. "But only this once. Go now, and do not fail."

I spun around and headed for the exit, only glancing back as I opened the door to leave. All the Death Eaters in the room still looked to the figures in front of them. All except one; Bella's face was turned toward me. I paused to give her a look mean enough to match the one I was sure she was wearing, but as I met her eyes, they held not loathing, but a strange expression, one I had never seen her wear before... but before I could figure out what strange emotion had flickered in Bella's eyes, she turned her head back around. My thoughts in turmoil, I turned my back on those behind me and slammed the door shut.

sorry this chapter's so short, thenext one's nice and long (and even more depressing!). just to let anyone who's reading this know, i'm going to try to post a chapter every other day, but i'm a kinda slow writer, so there might be longer gaps than that.

toodles!

P.S. howwould some of you nice people like to review?


	3. Cold Laughter

Oookay, now, this chapter is a _teensy_ bit depressing, so just try to listen to some happy music, or something well you're reading it...

**Chapter 3**

**Cold Laughter**

I started to walk, not even looking where I was going. It didn't really matter where I went, anywhere would be better than here, anywhere at all. _They want me to kill him, _I thought numbly. _They want me to kill father and I agreed to do it... what will it be like, planning my father's murder? What will it be like, standing over him, holding the wand and then... and then..._ I shuddered. I couldn't even think about it, so how would I possibly be able to do it? _Maybe there's still a way to get out of it... maybe we could... could fake his death... or..._

"No," I told myself angrily. There were no maybes, no possible alternatives. I stopped moving and forced myself to speak the reality my mind was desperately trying to avoid:

"I am going to kill my father," I whispered. I shivered involuntarily, then mentally smacked myself. _No, _I thought furiously. _This is exactly what a Death Eater cannot do!_ _Say it again, and this time when you do, don't feel anything._

"I am going to kill my father," I said, slightly louder than last time. This time I didn't shiver. _Good! _I told myself. _Now say it one more time and this time... like it._

"I am going to kill my father," I said, in a normal tone of voice. I smiled. The pleasure at the thought of killing came easier than I had thought it would. Again, I saw myself over Father, holding the wand, but this time, I didn't stop imagining it at that. Hundreds of pictures of Father suddenly came pouring into my head. There he was, yelling at me, yelling at Mother, forcing me to stay up night after night memorizing spells... my stomach filled with hatred and I saw myself raising the wand, saying the incantation... and there his body was, twitching on the floor, the life draining out of him before me. Still standing over my fathers jerking form, I saw myself laughing and laughing. But my laugh was cold and high, like one I had heard come from someone else's mouth...

"Ssssssssssss," I jerked back into reality and realized I had bumped into one of the shadowy figures roaming Knockturn Alley.

"S..sorry," I mumbled quickly. The creature's cloak shifted a bit, and I saw an object clenched in its claw, something that looked suspiciously like a human skull. I turned toward the opposite direction, walked a few paces, and then started to run, not stopping until I had reached the brick wall that led back to the Muggle world. I leaned against the cold stone, panting. I reached desperately for rational thought, but my thoughts had turned to fish, slipping through my fingers. I held a hand to my head, trying to calm a rising headache, and took a deep breath.

"Okay, Barty," I told myself firmly. "First you are going to get home, and sneak into the house. Just focus on getting home right now, don't think about anything else, just home."

Somehow I managed to do just that, getting a safe distance away from the Leaky Cauldron, then apparating into my own front yard. _Good, _I thought, moving toward my house. _I'll deal with the rest later. Right now, I just need to get into the house without anyone noticing... _that's when I remembered the intruder spell.

"SHIT!" I yelled, pulling my wand out from my robes. Maybe I still had time to deactivate it... but my futile hopes died as Father charged out of the house, brandishing his wand. He looked wildly around, then noticed me.

"Put your wand down," he yelled, obviously not realizing who he was shouting at. "I said put the wand down! Do not make me use force!" I sighed, there was no way I was going to get out of this. I slowly lowered my wand, pulling back my hood at the same time.

"What are you doing," he yelled, cautiously stepping forward and aiming his wand-light at my face. "Who are y..." the question died as my face was illuminated.

"Barty," he asked confusedly. "Is that... is that you?" I kept my silence, letting him draw nearer. Through the darkness, I could see that a puzzled expression lit his face.

"What...what are you doing out here, Barty?" he asked. Still, I stayed quiet, what would happened next was inevitable; nothing I could say would change that. I watched knowingly as Father's expression turned from puzzlement, to anger, to pure rage.

"Answer me," he whispered, in a deadly tone of voice.

"Nothing," I said softly, hating myself. "I was just taking a walk, that's all."

"TELL ME," he bellowed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I felt my stomach burning in hate. _It doesn't matter what I say, _I thought furiously at him._ you'll be dead this time tomorrow. _

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS," I yelled at Father. "I'M 18, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!" Father opened, then closed his mouth again, dumbstruck at my response. _Yeah, _I thought maliciously. _Let's see how you do in a screaming match that's not one sided! _Father got over his confusion and started yelling again.

"Oh, excuse me," he said sarcastically. "I'd forgotten that living 18 whole years made you a man!"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I'M A MAN," I yelled. "I'M LEGALLY AN ADULT, AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE."

"ANYMORE," he yelled. "ANYMORE, IF I HADN'T BEEN LOOKING OUT FOR YOU YOUR WHOLE LIFE, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A LIFE!"

"LOOKING OUT," I screamed. "YELLING AT ME EVERY FIVE MINUTES IS LOOKING OUT FOR ME!"

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SCREW UP EVERY FIVE MINUTES I WOULDN'T HAVE TOO!"

"WELL IF YOU THINK THAT, IT'S YOUR PROBLEM! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S DEFINITION OF SCREWING UP IS ANYTHING LESS THAN PERFECT!"

"OH, YOU THINK MY STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH? I'D LOWER THEM TO WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME I'M A DISAPPOINTMENT! EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT ME I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING IT!"

"WELL PROVE ME WRONG, BARTY! JUST PROVE ME WRONG!" we both paused for breath and stared at the other for a moment.

"You are a disgrace to me, this family and yourself," Father hissed viciously. "Either act in a manner fit for your station, or leave."

"I hate you! Everyone hates you! Your own son, your so called friends, even Mother," I grinned, seeing I had hit home with that last comment. "If you die tomorrow, no one will miss you! No one!" I turned and walked away, head held high. It didn't matter that I didn't have I had just lost the only home I had ever had, all that mattered was that I'd finally stood up to Father. I felt the loathing running down me like sweat. _It's strange, _I thought. _What I was dreading earlier, now I'm looking forward to._

"I'M GOING TO MURDER MY FATHER!" I yelled for the fourth time that day. And I laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

_Wow,_ this chapter is seriously dark! Oooh, and it just gets happier and happier from here... (evil cackle)

P.S. i know wizard's come at age at 17, but i need Barty to be 18, so too bad.


	4. Now and Then: Part I

Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter! I had a couple busy days and some trouble finishing it. Um, yeah, so I wrote chapter 4 and 5 as one chapter, but they were so long together that I decided to split them into two chapters and make a two- parter! Uh, yeah, guess that's it...

**Chapter 4**

**Now and Then: Part I**

I sighed and sat down on a nearby bench, rubbing my sore eyes. I had been walking in circles for hours, to furious to sit still. But now my mindless anger was ebbing away, leaving me exhausted. I laid down against the hard wood, my mind still buzzing with tired energy. My thoughts drifted to the earlier fight with Father, and I smiled proudly. Suddenly I sat up, wide awake, realizing a consequence that I hadn't foreseen._ Idiot! _I thought, furiously. _You were perfectly positioned! For Merlin's sake, you lived in the room next to his! _My anger was returning fast and I kicked myself, finally realizing what a big mistake getting kicked out had been. Adrenaline pumping through my blood, I jumped up and began to walk again. I thought of what Bella would say if I told her what I had done. I could see her as clearly as if she was standing in front of me, her eyes smoldering with anger.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid! _My dream-Bella said. _How could you do something so unbelievably stupid! All you had to do was sneak into his room while he was asleep. It would have been so easy! But now that you got yourself kicked out, you're going to have to neutralize any security spells, get into the house, and get out again, all without being caught! And to top it all off, you're going to have to establish an alibi, because now you have a motive!_

I sighed and pushed all thoughts of Bella from my mind. Thinking about her made me madder, and I needed to calm down if I was going to get any sleep at all. I paused and glanced around, trying to figure out where my feet had taken me. I was standing on a long, rustic path that led up a steep hill. I frowned. The path, the hill, the woods surrounding me, they seemed strangely familiar... I walked to the top of the hill, and, breathing heavily, looked forward to see a small cottage. My blood froze as I realized where I was. I had stood in almost the same place a few weeks ago, but everything had been different then. If now was then, I wouldn't be planning a murder. I would've walked up this hill happily, knowing I had a home and a life to go back to. And her. She would've have been here to, standing right beside me...

"_Bella..." I moaned, looking at her pleadingly. She glared at me for a few seconds, but I could tell by the way her mouth twitched that she was fighting back laughter. I widened my eyes and stuck out my lower lip in the most pathetic puppy-dog look I could muster. Bella maintained her stern look for a few seconds more, then broke down laughing_. _I smiled. You could always tell Bella's mood from her laughter. When she was angry, her laughter turned cold and mocking. But right now, her voice was light and warm; she was in a good mood._

_Still chuckling, she laid down next to me and closed her eyes. I turned on my side to say something to her, but the breath caught in my throat as I looked at her. __The green, summer grass contrasted sharply with her dark skin_, _making her slim, graceful figure appear even more beautiful._ _Dew gathered around her many ringlets, making her hair glow in the sunlight. Even in the simple, everyday robes she was wearing, she looked as regal as a queen. I breathed in deeply, trying to capture the absolute perfectness of the moment. I stopped breathing abruptly as I inhaled a large clump of grass. I rolled over, coughing and spitting out dirt and grass. flipping over, I saw Bella standing over me, holding a fistful of weeds and laughing hysterically. I grinned, then quickly covered up my expression of happiness with a grimace._

"_So Crouch," Bella said, when her laughter had died down. "Are you going to do what I say now, or do I have to throw more grass at you?" I faked an expression of great concentration, then heaved a huge sigh._

"_I reluctantly surrender," I said. "But I shall have my revenge!" she winked, then darted forward, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear. I stared into her deep-brown eyes, so close to mine. My body seemed out of my control as I slowly leaned forward, lips parted..._

"_I'd like to see you try," she said, dumping the rest of the grass she was holding on my head. "Now seriously, Barty, we have work to do." she turned around, then began to make her way toward a small, stone building. I stood still for a second, mind still frozen, then shook my head, coming back to myself. _

"_Wait up," I yelled at Bella's already disappearing form. I sprinted up the hill towards her, but couldn't seem to catch up. I kept running until I was at the building, then stopped, trying to see where she'd gone._

"_Slowpoke," Bella voice came from behind me. I pivoted, and saw her leaning against the stone house, arms crossed._

"_How did you get here so fast? That's impossible!" I exclaimed, gasping for air. She laughed and tapped the brick next to her with her wand, whispering something. Suddenly, a door appeared, and Bella held it open for me. The doorknob sizzled threateningly as I went past, and I glared at it. The first time I had come to Bella's house, I had tried to open the door myself, which had given me a nasty shock; it seemed that neither of us had forgotten yet. Bella rolled her eyes at me._

"_Maybe," she said, in her reasoning-with-a-three-year-old voice. "If you'd just apologize, the door would let you touch it..."_

"_It should be apologizing to me!" I said indignantly, stepping inside. She shook her head in disbelief and closed the door behind us. As with most Wizard dwellings, Bella's house was much larger on the inside then you'd think it would be. I started to walk up a long, spiral staircase, but Bella grabbed my arm._

"_No," she said. "Today we're doing something new." I looked at her questioningly, but she just smiled mysteriously, and beckoned for me to follow her. We walked through rooms and rooms filled with nothing but cobwebs, until we reached a door. Bella pushed it open, and I followed her down a long, narrow staircase. I gasped as we reached the bottom. This room was nothing like the numerous, empty rooms upstairs. Tables and bookshelves covered most of the huge dungeon we were in. As I continued to follow Bella, I caught glimpses of strange devices sitting on the tables. Eventually, we reached a table with two chairs. Bella sat down and signaled for me to do the same._

"_This house was willed to me by a great Aunt a few years ago," she explained. "It used to be the castle of some king no one's ever heard of, who's only goal in life seemed to be to curse as many of those rooms upstairs as he could."_

"_Why don't you just...," I began to ask, but Bella interrupted me._

"_I've tried to remove all the curses," she said. "But after the second troll appeared out of mid-air, I decided they weren't worth renovating." I winced in sympathy._

"_Now to business," she said. "Today I'm going to teach you a handy little curse..." she stopped speaking abruptly and I followed her gaze to see the cause of her distress. A small, brown owl had just flown through the door, and swooped over to Bella, dropping a note in front of her. Bella reached for the envelope with a frown, hesitated for a split second, then opened it._

"_How could the owl have gotten past your security spells?" I asked, offering my hand to the owl, which was perched on the table._

"_Bella?" I asked again, when she didn't answer my question. I looked up quickly and saw her staring at the letter, a mixture of disbelief, anger and even- yes, even fear crossing her face. She dropped the letter on the table and stood up._

"_Bella, what's wrong?" I asked, looking at her with concern. She looked at me as though she didn't know who I was._

"_Sorry," she said. "Sorry, we... we'll have to finish this some other time..." and with those few words, she strode toward the staircase. I sat for a moment in bewilderment. I heard her footsteps receding and glanced at the table, where the letter still rested. I hesitated for a moment, then succumbed to my temptation, picking up the letter. Scanning one side, I realized it was blank, and flipped it over. The other side was also blank, except for a small sentence in the upper left corner, composed of only two words. It read simply, 'Rodolphus failed'. I blinked in puzzlement. Rodolphus? Who was Rodolphous? What had he failed at? I put the letter back on the table and picked up the envelope, hoping to solve this strange puzzle. It was unmarked, though, and gave me no more information. I tried to out what the message had been about for a moment longer, then dropped it. It didn't matter. Bella would tell me next time we saw each other._

So, I'll have part 2 on in a couple of days! Hahaha! I love doing flashbacks! Thanks for the nice reviews by the way!


	5. Now and Then: Part II

Hey peoples! Sorry 'bout the delay again, couldn't use my computer for a few days...

**Chapter 5**

**Now and Then: Part II**

I sat down on the wet grass, absentmindedly rolling a blade between my fingers. After that mysterious note had arrived at Bella's house, she hadn't contacted me again for a month or so. I had gone on with my life, pretending nothing was wrong, but my thoughts had constantly been with her. Mostly, I was worried about her. Something had to have gone seriously wrong for her to lose control and rush out on me like that. A smaller part of me spent that month missing Bella's beautiful eyes, her shining hair, her voice, her laugh... and another part of me, one that I tried so hard to ignore, was sore at her for leaving me in the dark so long.

I spent the days occupying myself with so much work that I didn't have time to think about her, but somehow, my treacherous mind always seemed to make time. My nights were sleepless; Every way I turned, I saw her staring out at me from the darkness. I ached for her so much, it left me breathless. During those sleepless hours, I relived every conversation we'd ever had, and when I ran out of those, I visualized new ones. Conversations where we talked and laughed together. Conversations where she wasn't teaching me curses I knew were designed to torture, and telling me that love was for the weak. Instead, I saw scenes where she tucked my hair behind my ear and then, instead of turning away, as she'd done so many times before, she leaned closer, and closer, her lips brushing against mine tenderly... but these thoughts had only made me miss her more.

I began to spend large amounts of time at her house and at the coffee shop where I'd first seen her, our two meeting places. Eventually, I was getting up every morning just to try to see her at one of these places. This progressed to the point where Mother was out of her mind with worry, and even Father noticed something was wrong with me. Mother cried and begged me to tell her what was wrong. Father on the other hand, yelled at me, ordering me to tell him what had caused my decline at work. As much as it hurt me to see Mother so upset, and as much as I longed to yell at Father, I remained silent. Mother realized what was happening eventually. She asked me once if it was a girl I was pining over, and when I said nothing, nodded knowingly. Then at the end of that horrible month, I had finally drifted into an uneasy sleep, when...

"_OW!" I yelled, clutching my aching head and closing my eyes in pain. After a few seconds, I opened my eyes, and my hazy brain worked out what had just happened. Something must have woken me up from my state of half-sleep, and I had sat up suddenly, slamming my head against my low ceiling. But what had woken me up? Ask if answering my unspoken question, I heard a tapping noise against my window and I rolled over to see an owl battering at my window. I moaned, rolled out of bed and staggered to my window. The cool, night air woke me up slightly and I glanced at the clock placed on my bedside table. Two in the morning, how predictable. The first time I'd been able to sleep for weeks, and an owl had just woken me up at two A.M. This could only happen to me. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and saw that the owl was now perched on the edge of my headboard. Taking care to avoid my ceiling this time, I walked over to the owl and untied the paper around its leg._

"_Wait!" I yelled, as the owl flew back out my window. It ignored me and kept flying, until its small form was lost in the darkness. Oh, well, I thought, I hope I don't have to send a reply. Suddenly, the strangeness of what had just happened struck me; an unknown owl had just woken me up when everyone else was still asleep to give me a mysterious letter. It has to be from her, it just has to... I thought, opening the letter with trembling fingers. Throwing the envelope on my bed, I searched frantically for my wand and, finding it, whispered,_

"_lumos," I brought my wand close to the letter and began to read it: _

_B.C.,_

_Meet me at the worst bar in town tomorrow at ten. You're ready to meet the others. More info when we're face to face._

_I stared at the note in puzzlement. It was from Bella, the small hand drawn cat in the bottom corner proved that. She had taught me to recognize the symbol she used when it was too risky to sign a letter at our first meeting. I read the letter again, trying to figure it out as I went along. Okay, first was B.C., well that stood for Barty Crouch, that was obvious enough. She wanted to meet with me, that was also clear. But what was the worst bar in town? And 'the others'? Who were they? Well, she'd tell me when we met, that was implied by the last sentence, but how was I supposed to know were she wanted to meet?_

"_C'mon Barty, think," I whispered to myself. "Worst bar in town, worst bar in town..." I smiled as I realized what she'd meant. At one of our meetings, she'd been in a extremely good mood, laughing at everything. Made bold by her happiness, I suggested that we go for a drink sometime at The Harmony, a bar that I assured her was the best in Diagon Alley. She'd chuckled and had said, if I remembered correctly, _

"_The best bar? Well it's not hard to find the best of anything, what's hardest is finding the worst." I laughed, not even realizing how casually she'd waved off my proposal._

"_So, what's the worst bar in Diagon Alley?" I had asked. She'd thought for a moment._

"_The worst bar I've ever been to," she answered. "Was most definitely The Newt."_

"_Never heard of it," I'd commented._

"_Have you been in Knockturn Alley much?" she'd asked. I'd remained silent, remembering the darker purpose that had brought us together._

_Having solved her cryptic message, I climbed into bed and fell into the first restful sleep I'd had for weeks. I woke up next morning feeling great. It actually took me a few seconds to identify my feeling as one of happiness, it had been so long. I threw on a robe, and walked downstairs. No, walk is an understatement; I flew downstairs, I danced downstairs, I did everything but walk. Mother noticed the change in me the moment I stepped into the Dinning Room. She sat in the chair across from me, watching me eating my toast and smiling. When I noticed she was there, I looked at her questioningly._

"_Finally got her, have you?" she asked. I smiled, and she winked at me, grabbing a piece of toast from my plate and moving away. _

_Nothing could dampen my spirits that day. I smiled all through work, and kept smiling, even when people started to point at me and whisper to each other. My mood improved more and more, and by the time I left for The Newt, I was the happiest I could remember ever being in my life. I apparated right outside of Knockturn Alley and set of to navigate its winding alleyways. I had looked up the location of The Newt, but finding it still proved difficult. I began to search more and more frantically as ten 'o clock crept closer and closer. The world seemed determined to ruin my happiness; besides becoming hopelessly lost, it also began to rain, making it even harder to see. Eventually I stopped and looked desperately around for someone to ask directions from. And there, miraculously, right in front of me, was The Newt. I dashed toward it, glancing down at my watch. 9:58, perfect. Drenched, but on time, I stepped into The Newt. _

_Bella was right, it had to be the worst bar ever. The walls were covered with peeling wallpaper, cobwebs, and mold. At the counter was a surly looking bartender, cleaning his ears and nose with the fingers on one hand, and washing glasses with the other. Tables were spaced at random intervals and surrounded with mismatched chairs and other objects that didn't look like chairs, but were being used as them by the few customers. As my gaze traveled from one side to the other, I saw her. An uncontrollable moan escaped my lips as I looked at her. I had had girlfriends before, but this was different, so unexplainably different. This wasn't just an infatuation as I'd thought it was before. This was love. Every inch of me seemed to let off heat as the realization dawned on me. I was in love. Totally, crazy in love. I glided over to Bella and sat down in the chair across her. She looked up at me, and frowned. I frowned too as the fire in my chest turned to ice. We had been apart a month. It was impossible for her not to see how I had suffered. My whole body spoke of my sorrows in so many words: From the dark circles underneath my eyes, to my pale, waxy skin. I looked horrible and knew it, and she, Bella... she looked perfect. She didn't even look happy to see me, if anything– my heart trembled just thinking about it– she looked displeased._

"_Good, you're here," she said coldly. Play it cool, I told myself, though I was screaming inside, just act like everything's normal._

"_So, what am I here for?" I asked, trying to keep any emotion from leaking into my voice. She stared into my eyes, until I looked away. She laughed coldly, and I died inside._

"_You're here," she said. "Because we judge you ready."_

"_We?" I asked, carefully not looking into her eyes._

"_We," she answered bluntly, putting her arm on the table and pulling up her sleeve. I leaned forward to regard her forearm. I already knew what I was going to see, I had known for ages, but still, I had to be sure... and yes, there it was, so faint, I could hardly see it: a skull with a serpent curving out of its mouth. Even though it was what I had expected, I still couldn't suppress a small gasp of horror at the symbol that had meant death to the Wizarding world for so many years._

"_We," Bella continued. "We are those who still wish to serve the Dark Lord. Those who will always be faithful to him. We call ourselves The Faithful, because that is what we are, but we are so much more. That is what I've been trying to teach you these last few months. All the curses I've taught you come to nothing if you do not understand what we are. Tell me, Barty, what do we stand for, who are we?" I opened my mouth, then closed it again, realizing that the answer I gave now would effect me for the rest of my life. I thought hard. This was my last chance, my last chance to back out. Do I really want to join these Death Eaters? I asked myself. Do I really want to be part of The Faithful? I had never had any interest in the dark arts until I met Bella. I hadn't even cared much about what she'd taught me, I had gone to each lesson purely to see her. But not anymore, I realized with surprise. Even if someone else started teaching me right now, I'd keep learning. I've had a taste of power, of darkness, and... and I want more. But what to say now? Bella had been bewitched by the power just as I now realized I had been. She knew what it felt like, but how to explain it in words? _

"_You, I, we," I said, reaching blindly for the right words. "We are power. Not just blind power. But power that is carefully orchestrated, carefully directed. The most dangerous kind of power. We are the ever-growing darkness that does not feel and swallows its enemy whole. We change ourselves to become something different. Not something more or less, but something different. We are shape-shifters, constantly changing into that which our enemy fears most. We are indestructible, not in flesh, but in spirit, for everywhere we go, we sow the fears that will hinder our enemy, defeat our enemy. Those who do not understand us think us evil, but that is only because they cannot comprehend what we are. We are... we are the essence of fear, the seed that will grow into mind-stopping panic. And if you understand the fear, if you face it, and you become it, you begin to see the beauty, the beauty behind the fear..." I stopped, awed at my own words. I suddenly remembered my first meeting with Bella. "I do not fear," she had said. "I fear neither life or death." and neither do I, I realized. I have become as she has taught me, unfeeling, uncaring... and yet my chest still tightened as I looked at Bella. I do not fear, I told myself, I do not fear for myself, now I hold her life over my own. Is that what love is? Caring for someone more than you care for yourself? But my thoughts were interrupted as Bella began to talk again._

"_You understand us," she said, glancing around, then lowering her voice. "You are ready. Next week, at a shop called Borgin and Burkes. The password is 'the dark lord shall rise again'." she paused, then looked me straight in the eyes, her expression unreadable._

"_There will be a test," she said. "A test of loyalty. Believing in our cause and acting for our cause are two different things entirely, Barty. The test of the Faithful is always the same: you will have to kill." she stared at me, and I could tell she was trying to read my expression. Don't react, I told myself, staring back at her, but I couldn't contain a nervous jerk of my head at the thought of murdering someone in cold-blood._

"_Time to go," she said, glancing at a man in a dark cloak, who was looking at us discreetly. We got up and left in silence, though Bella gave the man who had been watching us a glare cold enough to freeze him where he sat. _

_Outside, it had stopped raining, and though dark, I could see fairly clearly by the light of a lovely, full moon. I snuck a look at Bella, but she appeared indifferent to the beautiful night. A sparkle caught my eye and I saw that the moonlight was reflected off a ring on her finger. That's odd, I thought distantly, she's never worn a ring before... then, horribly, I understood. I stopped in my tracks, and grabbed Bella's arm, bringing her to a halt also. _

"_Your...your ring," I asked haltingly, dreading the answer. "Is it a... does it mean..." I couldn't finish my question, but Bella answered me anyway._

"_Yes," she said simply. "Yes, it means exactly what you think it does, exactly what you're so afraid of it meaning."_

"_But what...," I asked. "But Bella, you... and I..." her face twisted, and an emotion I couldn't read flickered in her eyes. She pulled her wand from her robes and pointed it at me._

"_Not another word, Crouch," she said. "Not one more word." I knew she'd curse me, but I was unable to stop myself._

"_Who... when...," then I put two and two together. "Rodolphus!"_

"_I should've known you would've read my letter," she yelled at me. "Nosy as you are!"_

"_When," I asked, then louder, reminding myself irresistibly of Father. "Tell me When!"_

"_None of your business, Crouch," she yelled angrily. "I'll tell you anyway though, just to make you madder! I was married the whole time, from the day I met you!"_

"_But," I stuttered, feeling my anger melt into heartache. "But I loved... I love..."_

"_You loved me?" she shouted, cutting me off. "Well, I never loved you Crouch, never!" she started to laugh coldly. Her laughter rekindled my fury._

"_You're letter said he failed," I shouted, taking a shot in the dark. "He was on a mission, wasn't he? He was on a mission for The Faithful, and he failed! What, did your precious husband get caught? Is he in Azkaban!" she glared piercingly at me._

"_Shut up, Crouch," she whispered, her words cold as ice. "Shut your mouth right now!"_

"_I'm right, aren't I," I exclaimed. "Rodulphous got caught, and he's in Azkaba–" I doubled over, clutching my stomach. Once I could breathe again, I looked up and saw Bella raising her wand, ready to hex me again. But as she brought her wand down for a second time, she stopped in mid-spell. She glared at me, loathing filling her dark eyes, and I could tell she wanted to hurt me badly, so badly... but something stopped her, and she let her wand drop to her side. I watched her walk away with long, graceful strides._

"_I hate her," I whispered to myself. "I hate her!" but the words felt as false coming from my mouth as they did in my chest._

A week later I had gone to my first meeting of The Faithful, the meeting where I was told to kill my Father. Bella was obviously still furious at our last conversation, and so was I. I, who was in love with a woman who felt nothing for me but total and pure contempt. Except... I suddenly remembered the look she had given me as I'd left my first Faithful meeting. I hadn't been able to identify it while my emotions were still in turmoil from the thought of killing Father, but now my head was clearer. I pictured her eyes as she'd watched me leave. They hadn't been cold and unreadable as usual, but soft, with a mixture of... of pity... yes definitely pity and... something that had looked like... like longing.

"No," I whispered sternly. "She doesn't love you, she said it herself!" but as I laid down on the cold, damp ground, I couldn't extinguish a small spark of hope that, like a glorious Phoenix, had risen from the bitter ashes of my heart.

iickk! This chapter is way to sappy! I am so much better at the depressing parts than I am at the romantic parts! I'm gonna have to kill someone off soon if I want to keep this story all morbid and disturbed...


	6. Reasons

Hey everyone! Sorry (once again) for the delay! Had a bout of writers block... um, yeah, so here you go!

**Chapter 6**

**Reasons**

I woke up slowly, dwelling in the warm realm between sleep and wakefulness. Distant worries jabbed at my mind, but I pushed them away, drifting back toward sleep. Still though, the worries persisted, jabbing my skull sharply, yelping shrilly at me... slowly, my fog-filled mind realized that something _was _poking my head, something much more solid than my many concerns. I sat up suddenly, and a small boy leapt away from me, yelling bloody murder.

"MOMMY," he yelled, tears dripping down his fat face. "MOMMY!"

"Who are you," I asked blearily. Apparently, the little boy only knew one word though, because he continued to shout for his mother at the top of his lungs. I rolled my eyes as he screamed and screamed, not even stopping for breath.

"Calm down kid," I told him, beginning to grow alarmed as his face turned blue from lack of oxygen. He kept shouting though, his face growing bluer and bluer. Panicking, I reached for my wand and pointed it at him, yelling,

"Silencio!" he continued to scream soundlessly, then, realizing no noise was coming from his mouth, stopped and looked up at me in surprise.

"Okay," I asked in relief. "Are you better now?" he stared at me for a second with his huge brown eyes, then began to wail silently, tears pouring down his face.

"Sorry, sorry," I yelped. "C'mon kid, stop crying, will you?" but his stream of tears only became larger. I moved closer to him, wondering frantically what I should do. _I can't just leave him, he's hardly older than a baby! Merlin, where the hell are his parents? _Right on cue, a chubby, red-faced woman stepped out of the bushes next to me and ran to the boy, picking him up.

"Jeffery," she shouted at him, not noticing me. "Never do that to Mummy again! I was so worried about you. You don't wonder off Jeffery! It's bad! Bad! Wait till I... Jeffery, what's wrong with your voice?" I groaned silently. _Muggles! Could this get any worse? _That's when she noticed me.

"Who are you," she shrieked, waving her handbag at me. "What have you done to my Jeffery!"

"Nothing," I lied, trying to stealthily remove my wand from my robes. "I didn't do anything..."

"Liar," she shouted at me. "Dirty bum!" before I could react, she ran at me, thwacking me over the head with her handbag.

"Shit," I yelled, holding my head and stumbling backwards. "Listen lady, I didn't do anything to your son! I was sleeping and he woke me up, that's all!"

"Liar," she yelled, rushing at me again. This time I was prepared and I leapt to the side, pointing my wand at her from behind my back.

"Accido!" I whispered. My jinx hit the woman straight on and she tripped, dropping her boy and falling flat on her face.

"Recavo," I whispered, pointing my wand at the boy. Regaining his voice, he began to scream loudly, and the woman scrambled over to him on her hands and knees.

"Oh, my poor little baby," she cooed, rocking the boy. "Ooh, did you get hurt? Did mummy's little angel get hurt?" I watched her warily, wondering if I should run away. Once the boy had quieted, the woman turned to me, glaring at me suspiciously.

"You really didn't hurt him, then?" she asked sharply.

"No," I answered. "I swear I didn't do anything." she glared at me for a second longer, then her gaze softened.

"But you're only a child yourself," she said, sounding astonished. "How old are you?"

"Eighteen," I answered, still poised to scurry away if need be.

"Eighteen," she gasped. "Why aren't you at home, young man?"

"Well you see," I said, making a story up on the spot. "I ran away from home because, um... because my parents wanted... they, uh, they wanted me to... to join, um the..."

"The military?" she questioned.

"Um, yeah," I said, wondering what she was talking about. "The military, that's right!"

"Oh, you poor thing," she cried. "It's so beastly what these parents do, pushing their children into the Army! The same exact thing happened to my brother! Once he was of age, my parents shipped him right off to the war, didn't even last a week, you know. If only he'd had the courage to run away as you did, he might still be alive today! How long have you been living out here, you poor boy?"

"Um... couple of weeks, maybe," I invented wildly.

"Two weeks! When did you last eat? Well, you simply must come to our house! No, no, don't object, me and Jeffery would simply love some company! You must stay the night, no I can't throw you back onto the street! You must stay a week, yes, a week at least!" and before I could say anything, she'd seized me by the arm and began towing me along with her.

"My name's Kitty, by the way, no, it's not a nickname, parents simply loved Kitty Wells, country singer, you know, and this is my son, Jeffery. We live alone, I was married for about a year to a splendid man, simply splendid man, but than he ran off with some girl by the name of Sarah, or maybe it was Sally... can't say I quite remember, my dear, it was so long ago. But don't let me bore you! What's your name, young man?" befuddled by her nonstop talking, it took me a minute to realize she had asked me a question.

"Uh, I'm Barty, Bartimaeus Crouch and I really can't stay..." and before I could get another word in, she was in full flow.

"Bartimaeus Crouch! Why that's simply a lovely name! I say, are you related to Beatrix Crouch? Good friends I was with Bea, very good friends indeed, until she married that Jimmy Sloan, nasty boy he was. Tried to get her to reconsider, but she wouldn't listen, very stubborn Bea was, always very stubborn..." I tried to get a word in for a while, then gave up, letting her drag me along. I groped through my pockets with my other hand, feeling the smooth wood of my wand. It was tempting to stun her and make my escape, very tempting... but too risky. It was unlikely, but the Ministry might pick up a magical disturbance and investigate. That was all I needed right now. I could modify her memory... but no, that wouldn't work either; memory charms could always be broken. If Kitty was questioned by the Ministry, it could screw up any alibi I set up. I'd wait until she let go of my arm and just run away.

My arm began to go numb where she was gripping it and I peered ahead, noticing that the woods were ending. Sitting in a dirt driveway was one of those Muggle-wheel things, a... car! Yes, that sounded right. I'd had Muggle and Wizard friends who'd used them, but Father had always insisted we use broomsticks or floo powder. The car I was being lead toward, I noted nervously, looked very beat-up. Kitty dragged me to the car, mercifully letting go of my arm to open it. Still talking, she opened the back door and strapped the now-sleeping Jeffery in.

"Come on now," she said, gesturing towards me. "In you go." I readied myself to sprint away, but Kitty caught my arm at the last second. Mistaking my attempted escape for agitation at the state of her car, she began to drag me toward it, reassuring me as we went.

"Oh, I know it doesn't look like much," she said. "But it's a wonderful car, really. Only broken down on me a few dozen times, and I've had it for nearly twenty years, can you believe that! Would still be in perfect condition if I hadn't gotten in a few accidents, just fender-benders, nothing to worry about..." still extolling the virtues of her crappy car, she forcefully shoved me inside, slamming the door before I had time to protest.

"Buckle up now," she yelled over her shoulder, as she started the car up. I looked frantically around until I found what looked like a buckle and tried to figure out what to do with it. Suddenly, I heard a loud explosion and jumped in my seat, banging my head on the ceiling.

"Nothing to worry about, Dear," Kitty yelled over the noise. "Just starting her up!" the car jolted to life beneath me, and began to roll slowly backwards, exhaling clouds of gas. Kitty sang loudly as I squeezed my eyes close, silently praying for my life.

"Here we go," she squealed, and the car shot forward. I opened my eyes, then shut them again as trees bulleted towards us. I hung on to the edge of my seat as the car moved ever faster. Abruptly, we stopped and I smashed my head against the seat in front of me. Unable to stop myself, I opened my eyes and saw that we were at the front of a long cue of cars.

"Red lights," Kitty remarked cheerfully, revving the engine. "Who needs 'em?"

"No, no, please no..." I whispered as we shot towards oncoming traffic.

"Oops," Kitty said as we narrowly avoided a truck. "Didn't see him coming, did you?" I didn't answer her question, preoccupied as I was by trying to avoid becoming violently ill. I watched, terror growing, as we shifted randomly from lane to lane.

"Are you all right dear? You don't look very well," Kitty commented, noticing my green-tinged face in one of her mirrors. "I know what will cheer you up! Some music." she let go of the wheel and leaned over, fiddling with various controls.

"No, I'm fine. Really, I am," I managed to say. "Just... just watch the road. Please..." but my words were drowned out in a loud burst of music.

"Ahh, no, I can't say I like that station much myself, let's see here..."

"Watch out!" I yelled, as a bend in the road approached.

"What's that dear?..." I lunged forward and jerked the steering wheel sharply, just in time to stop us going off the road. Kitty found a station she liked and sat back up.

"You really didn't have to do that, my dear," she remarked reproachfully. "I was watching the road, you know... in complete control of the-- ahh, here we are!" she pulled into a driveway next to a small brown house and stopped the car. She unlocked Jeffery's door, pulled him out, then did the same for me.

"While that was a nice drive, wasn't it?" Kitty asked, tugging me toward the brown house.

"Yes," I muttered sarcastically. "That was just _lovely _you miserable old..._" _

"What's that, my dear?"

"Oh, nothing." I replied hurriedly, stepping into the house. Kitty switched on a light and dumped Jeffery on a couch before turning to me.

"This is my humble abode," she proclaimed. "What do you think? It's splendid, isn't it?" My gaze moved through the living room, taking in the hot-pink wallpaper, and heart shaped furniture.

"Um... yes," I said, lying through my teeth. "It's very, um... unique." Kitty smiled and grabbed my arm, leading me through rooms that were decorated in a similar fashion.

"Now we must get some food into you, Dear. Just look at you, you're skin and bones..." I sighed, resigned to my fate, and began to eat the food she placed in front of me.

After hour upon horrible, agonizing hour of listening to Kitty and nodding occasionally, she finally said the words I thought would never come:

"... and he never called me again! Oh, would you look at the time? I'm afraid I've got to go out for a bit, Dear. Got some rather important errands to run, you know. You'll look after Jeffery, won't you?"

"Of course!" I said gratefully. "I'd love to!"

"Okay, then," she said, encouraged by my wholehearted response. "If you're sure it wouldn't be any trouble..."

"No, of course not," I said desperately. "You just go, everything will be fine here!"

"Jeffery can be rather a handful..."

"We'll be fine, we really will," I cut in, grabbing her arm and directing her towards the door. "Just go, please, just go..."

"Bye, then," she said cheerfully, walking out the door. I slammed it as soon as she was gone and made sure I heard her car leave. I glanced at a nearby clock and groaned. _Merlin, it's already six! how can anyone talk so long? I should have just stunned her! Azkaban cannot possibly be worse than listening to her._ I headed toward the door, and with my hand on the knob, looked over my shoulder. Jeffery was still fast asleep on the couch. I hesitated a moment, then opened the door and stepped outside. The kid would have to fend for himself. Besides, I thought angrily, he was the one who got me into this in the first place. I walked several blocks away from Kitty's, then apparated into a heavily wooded area that overlooked my home.

I watched the house from a distance for a while, making sure their was no movement inside. Once I was sure it was empty, I crept closer until I stood only a few feet away from the first intruder spell. Father had modified the spells around our house himself, making sure that, besides himself, Mother and I were the only two who could enter undetected. It was a simple system: all I had to do was speak the password, and if the spells recognized it and my voice, they would deactivate for thirty seconds. _It should still work, _I told myself. _Unless, of course, Father's changed the password since I left... _I shook my head to clear it of that unpleasant thought. It was _possible_ Father had changed the password, but unlikely. Well, I'd never know if I didn't try.

"Kerfuffle," I said clearly. I waited anxiously for the small click that would mean the spells had deactivated. After a few agonizing seconds, I still hadn't heard any noise and I began to fear the worse. This was going to make my job so much harder. If I couldn't get past the intruder spells, I was left with one option. I'd have to move back in, and to do that I'd have to... have to apologize to Father. My stomach boiled in rage just thinking about it. And then, to my utmost relief, a small click resounded in the air around me. I closed my eyes in relief and began to walk away from the house, wondering where I should go from here. I knew I could get in, that was a good start, but how to actually do it?

"Just keep it as simple as possible," I mumbled to myself. "Wait till it's dark, sneak in, kill him, sneak out." Plan made, I was left to wile away the hours until dusk. I walked wherever my feet took me for a while, then stopped when I realized they were leading me back to that familiar trail. The trail that led through a small forest to a cottage. To _her_ cottage. I laughed at the irony of it. Somehow, everything always led back to Bella. But I couldn't think about her now. When my thoughts were focused on Bella, I made mistakes, and I could not afford to make mistakes right now. I sat down on the grass and started to breath deeply, falling into the meditative state that– of course– Bella had taught me to achieve.

I felt my body and mind fall away and immersed myself in that strange disconnected feeling, as if you're a stranger watching yourself. I explored my own mind at a distance, contemplating the fact that in only a few hours, I was going to murder my father. I wasn't looking for loopholes anymore, wasn't trying to escape the grim reality of what I was going to do. I'd accepted the fact that I was indeed going to kill him, but it was still hard to... to get used to the idea. I'd spent so much time hating him, wishing he would die, that I couldn't even begin to imagine life without him. _Who will I hate after he's dead? _I asked myself. I didn't have an answer.

Night crept up on me quickly, and soon I could hardly see my own hand in front of my face. Still somewhat disconnected from myself, I rose and apparated to my house for the final time. Finding the house by the light of my wand, I stopped a few feet short of the intruder spells I knew were lying in wait, and spoke softly but clearly, my voice vibrating in the cool, night air.

"Kerfuffle!" I stood stock-still, waiting calmly for the sound I knew would come. And there it was. Walking briskly, but not running, I reached the front door and silently opened it. As I closed the door behind myself, its slight creak brought me back into myself a bit and I felt an uncontrollable urge to just turn around... just go back out the door... _no!_ I told myself firmly._ I am not going back! I am going to do this! _I closed my eyes, then opened them again, gradually letting myself sink back into the seething pool of feelings that awaited me. All of my uncertainly and doubt pressed in around me, and suddenly I felt my resolution falter. If I hesitated another second, the uncertainty would overwhelm me. It was now or never. Without thinking, I charged toward the stairs, trying to move fast, but not make a lot of noise. I climbed the stairs without stopping, only slowing down when I reached the top.

Letting my fingers drag lightly against the wall to the right of me, I counted the doors as I felt them pass. There was one... then two... then three... I paused, then opened the door quietly, slipping into my own room. I groped around blindly for a moment or two, then, throwing caution to the winds, I lit my wand. I strode over to the chest at the end of my bed and opened it, digging through the jumbled clothes until I felt my hand touch something hard. Grinning, I pulled the hard object out. It was a mask, the perfect duplicate of any other Death Eater's. I slipped it onto my face, letting the sticking spell do its work. Now I was ready.

I crept out of my room and continued to traverse the hallway until I had reached the door at the very end. I took one last deep breath, and curled my fingers around the knob. I tried to move my hand, to open the door, but my body seemed frozen. _Why am I doing this? _I asked myself desperately. _For The Faithful? For revenge? To win Bella? _And finally, the answer I had been searching for came to me: _I'm doing it for myself. I'm doing it to take control of my own life, to make my own decisions, to be who I want to be. _And slowly, so slowly, I turned the knob, and stepped inside...

hehehehe! I love cliffhangers! Yeah, I know this chapter's a little random and pointless with all the parts with Kitty, but I was kinda depressed and needed to write something fun. I promise something will actually happen in the next chapter!

ps. i know recavo isn't the conunter-charm for silencio, but my 5th book has gone mysteriously missing, so i couldn't get the right one.


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